Have you ever been body shamed by someone who didn’t realize what they did? It is easy to body shame others around you without knowing it.  Even with all the body acceptance information that is now more readily available, many people are still learning about respecting other people’s bodies.

For years body hate has been socially acceptable and even promoted by society.  We have been inundated with messages about how to change our bodies and why our bodies are unacceptable.  Everything from the diet industry to the beauty industry is constantly telling us that we are not enough and our bodies are anything but good. There is a lot of unlearning left to do, and the more we release beliefs based on body hate and body judgment, the more we can embrace body acceptance for ourselves and others.

Knowledge is power when it comes to embracing body acceptance as a lifestyle. On your journey to body acceptance, you may discover that there are ways in which you body shame or judge others without even realizing it.  There will be some things you have done for years that you didn’t know were toxic to your own body relationship and others. I observe people body shaming others all the time.  Sometimes it is very intentional and motivated by hatred and violence.  However, there are times when people think they are being helpful but they are inadvertently shaming others about their bodies. 

As The Body Relationship™ Coach, I have written several posts to help you build a more loving relationship with your body.  However, I also want to help you be more accepting of those around you. I believe that if we can learn to be more accepting of ourselves and then pass that same acceptance and compassion to others, we can begin to shift towards a better society overall. 

When interacting with friends, loved ones, or anyone in your social circle, here are five ways that you may be shaming them about their bodies unintentionally:

YOU MENTION A CHANGE IN THEIR BODY SIZE

Most of us know that it is rude and insensitive to tell another person that they look like they’ve gained weight.  However, it isn’t common knowledge that making a comment about someone losing weight can be just as insensitive.  Any unsolicited comments about a person’s body weight are inappropriate. There are so many reasons that a person may gain or lose weight.  There may be a health challenge, disordered eating, or body image issue that causes a person to fluctuate in their body size.  Society has conditioned us to believe that all weight gain is bad and all weight loss is good. When in fact, it is not that clear cut.  Each person’s body is unique, and their body is their business.  It is never appropriate to assume that a change in their body size is bad or good because we don’t know for sure. As an alternative, I suggest that you give people weight-neutral compliments.  That means complimenting them without addressing their body size at all. If you want to compliment someone, here are some weight-neutral alternatives:

• “You are glowing lately!”
• “You have such a beautiful spirit!”
• “I enjoy being around you.”
• “You are an inspiration.”
• “You are a great (friend, sister, partner, etc.) to me.”
• “You are a magical being.”

Those are just a few weight-neutral suggestions that have nothing to do with physical appearance.  They can uplift a person no matter their body type or size.  Can you think of any more? Feel free to share them in the comments!

YOU COMMENT ON THEIR FOOD CHOICES

We all have friends and loved ones we care about and want them to be healthy and thrive in life, right? I get it.  As a holistic wellness coach, I know a lot of information about food and nutrition that I often want to share with others because I love them.  However, it is also important to remember that each person’s body is their business.  I know it can be challenging to embrace this concept. Many of us are anxious about all our society’s health and wellness information.  We worry about chronic and terminal illnesses.  We may have even experienced illness ourselves or watched a loved one suffer.  But we must remember that it is not our place to give unsolicited advice to others about their food or nutrition choices.   It is never encouraging or uplifting to bombard a person with the latest diet and nutrition information that we heard.  That can feel like shaming or judging the other person; it does more harm than good.  Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• No two bodies are the same.  Your food choices may not affect another person in the same way.
•  Not all people have the same goals when it comes to food and nutrition.  We cannot assume that they do.
• Each person has a right to choose the foods they want to feed their body.  We don’t have to agree with those choices.

 One way to support someone is to create a safe space for them to share with you and listen without shame or judgment.  If a person chooses to talk with you about their food or nutrition choices and ask for your opinion, that opens the door for you to share your perspective.  However, giving your feedback as an opinion and not a rule is essential.  It is more affirming and comforting to have a conversation that consists of mutual sharing rather than telling another person what they “should” be doing.  You can help by allowing others to explore and learn what works for them.  It can be pretty empowering!

YOU COMMENT ABOUT THEIR FITNESS ROUTINE

This is a common form of body shaming, similar to commenting about food choices.   You may have found a fitness or exercise routine that “works” for you, and you may be eager to suggest it to others.  However, every person has the right to practice autonomy when it comes to their body.  They are free to choose how they will move their bodies or if they will even move at all.  I know our society has taught us to think more highly of people who go “beast mode” at the gym.  We assume that those people care more about themselves and love their bodies more than those who don’t regularly exercise.  You know what? That is making assumptions and judging others about how they govern their bodies.  Here are a few things to keep in mind about body movement:

• No two bodies are the same.  Your fitness choices for your body may not affect another person’s body similarly.
• Not all people have the same goals when it comes to fitness and exercise.  We cannot assume that they do.
• Each person has a right to choose how they want to move their body.  We don’t have to agree with those choices.

There are so many options for people to choose from regarding body movement, but the most important thing is that it contributes to their holistic health.  That means people must make choices that benefit them mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.   When a person makes a choice based on how it nurtures them holistically, rather than what other people pressure them to do, it is more likely to bring them joy.  That joy is better for their well-being than shaming, judgment or social pressure.  Support others in finding their happiness.

YOU COMMENT ON THEIR CLOTHING CHOICES

Have you ever seen someone wearing something that you felt was inappropriate and decided to help them by commenting on it?  Let’s keep it real. We have all judged someone based on their clothing.  It’s sort of ingrained in our psyche, right? We believe that what you wear says a lot about you.  So, we feel that we have to “dress to impress” and that other people around us should too.  That social belief makes it easy for us to think that it’s okay to comment on the clothing of others when in fact, it’s not.  It is never our right to tell another person what looks good or bad on their body.  Even when it comes to our friends and loved ones, policing their bodies by commenting on their clothing can be a form of body shaming.  So what should you do if a friend asks your opinion? One way to affirm your loved one is to ask them, “how does it make you feel?”  The question will help them tune into their inner voice and make clothing choices based on their relationship with their body.  Fashion and clothing can be forms of self-expression, and by exploring different styles, people can affirm their self-confidence. If you see a person wearing something that seems unusual to you, why not just appreciate them for their unique style and honor their freedom of self-expression? Celebrating their uniqueness will help you celebrate yours too.

YOU COMMENT ON THEIR SEXUAL CHOICES OR BEHAVIORS

Yes, I saved the most controversial one for last.  I feel that women are shamed the most regarding sexuality and sexual health choices.  Second to weight and appearance, a woman’s sexuality is constantly under critique in our society.  Women are judged for not having children or having too many.  Women are shamed for being too sexual or not being sexy enough.  Women are even blamed for sexual assault and violence that happens to them.  It is important to remember that sexuality and sexual choices are a part of the body relationship and, therefore, sacred.  Each human being has a right to choose how they will share their body, with whom they will share their body, and how often they will do so.  So how do you talk about sexual health with your partner affirmingly? Remember that your holistic health and well-being are essential, so if you share your body with someone, you must protect yourself and be informed. Of course, there are specific questions that you will need to ask your partner that will help determine whether or not you want to share your body with them.  Most importantly, remember that you can stand in your decisions and honor your body and self without shaming another person because their sexuality does not align with yours.  Each of us has different needs, desires, and belief systems regarding sexuality.   It is quite possible to honor our own without dishonoring another.

Did any of the things I mentioned remind you of how you have body-shamed others?

If so, there’s no need to feel any guilt about it.  Think of this as a moment of enlightenment and an opportunity for positive change.  Learning to be body positive is a journey.  You won’t unlearn everything at once.  Patience and commitment are essential.  Continue to be open to new ways of thinking about your own body and others.  As you embrace compassion and love for yourself, you will also be more understanding towards others.  If you need help, I’m here to assist!